# Manners, values and norms in daily life

URL: https://www.inburgeringklaar.nl/learn/knm/omgangsvormen-waarden-normen
Course: KNM: Dutch society, theme by theme (https://www.inburgeringklaar.nl/learn/knm)
Level: A2 and B1
Publisher: Inburgeringklaar

> Understand Dutch social habits and core values so you can choose the 'normal' answer.

## Goals
- Explain why appointments and punctuality matter
- Recognise Dutch directness and equality in everyday situations
- Know the core values: equal rights, LGBTQ+ rights, freedom of religion
- Handle neighbours and birthday visits the Dutch way

## Appointments and time

The Dutch plan a lot. You make an **appointment** (*afspraak*) for the doctor, the gemeente and the hairdresser, but also to visit friends or family. Dropping by without warning is less common than in many other countries; a quick message first is polite.

**Being on time** (*op tijd komen*) is important. If you are going to be late, you **send a message or call before** the appointment starts. If you cannot come at all, you cancel (*afzeggen*) in time. At a doctor or dentist you may have to pay for a missed appointment.

Dinner is often early, around 18:00. If you visit someone around dinner time, do not expect to be invited to eat unless that was agreed.

## Directness

Many Dutch people say what they think, quite directly. *Nee, dat vind ik geen goed idee* is not meant to be rude: it is honest. You can also say no or disagree, politely. At work, employees can give their opinion to their boss, and decisions are often made after a discussion (*overleg*).

## Equality

Equality is a core value and is written in **article 1 of the Grondwet**. In practice:

- **Men and women** have the same rights: in work, education, marriage and divorce, and politics. A woman can be your manager, doctor or teacher.
- People of every **religion** or no religion have the same rights.
- **LGBTQ+ people** have equal rights. Same-sex couples can marry (the Netherlands was the first country to allow this, in 2001) and adopt children. Discrimination because of sexual orientation is forbidden.
- Everyone can **choose** their own partner and religion. Forcing someone to marry is a crime.

People usually address each other quite informally. Many people use first names, also at work. You use *u* for people you do not know, older people and in formal situations; *je/jij* for friends, colleagues and children. When in doubt, start with *u*.

## Respect in public

- Shake hands or just say hello; greeting customs vary. Respect it if someone prefers not to shake hands.
- Queue and wait your turn.
- Offer your seat in the bus to someone who needs it more: an older person, a pregnant woman, someone with a disability.
- Freedom of speech is broad, but threats, discrimination and inciting hatred or violence are not allowed.

## Neighbours

| Situation | Normal behaviour |
|---|---|
| You move into a new house | You introduce yourself to the neighbours (the new person takes the first step) |
| You plan a party | You tell the neighbours in advance, and keep the noise reasonable |
| You have a problem with a neighbour | First talk calmly; then the landlord or *buurtbemiddeling* |
| Shared spaces | Keep stairs, gallery and garden tidy; follow house rules |

## Birthdays (*verjaardagen*)

A Dutch birthday at home is a typical scene for the exam:

- Guests often sit in a **circle** and drink coffee with cake.
- You **congratulate everyone**: not only the person whose birthday it is, but also their partner and family (*Gefeliciteerd met je man!*).
- People usually bring a small present or flowers.
- Many people keep a *verjaardagskalender* (birthday calendar), often in the toilet.

## Exam logic

The correct answer is usually the one that is **planned, punctual, polite, direct and equal**. Answers where someone is excluded because of gender, religion or sexuality are wrong.

## Useful Dutch
- **een afspraak maken / afzeggen**: to make / cancel an appointment
- **op tijd komen**: to be on time
- **te laat komen**: to be late
- **gelijkwaardig**: equal (in value)
- **gelijke rechten**: equal rights
- **de buren**: the neighbours
- **zich voorstellen**: to introduce yourself
- **Gefeliciteerd!**: Congratulations! (also: happy birthday)
- **de verjaardag**: the birthday
- **het homohuwelijk**: same-sex marriage
- **overleggen**: to discuss, consult together
- **respect hebben voor**: to respect

## Worked example: Late for an appointment

*Mila heeft om 10.00 uur een afspraak bij de gemeente. Om 9.45 uur staat ze nog in de file. Ze komt waarschijnlijk 20 minuten te laat.*

**Wat doet Mila het beste?**

A. Ze gaat naar huis en doet niets.
B. Ze belt de gemeente en zegt dat ze later komt.
C. Ze komt later en zegt niets.

**Who?** Mila has an appointment with an organisation. **What?** She will be late. **Normal behaviour:** in the Netherlands you warn the other person as soon as you know you will be late, and before the start time. So **B** is correct. A is wrong because just not showing up is impolite and wastes the appointment. C is wrong because arriving late without warning is seen as disrespectful; she may even lose her slot.

## Common mistakes
- Thinking direct Dutch feedback is an insult, and choosing an answer that avoids all disagreement.
- Choosing an answer where a woman, gay person or religious person gets fewer rights; equality is the rule.
- Expecting neighbours to come to you first when you are the one who just moved in.
- Visiting friends unannounced at dinner time and expecting a meal.

## Check yourself
1. Peter is jarig. Anna gaat naar zijn verjaardag. Ze ziet Peter, zijn vrouw en zijn ouders. Wat zegt Anna vaak ook tegen de familie van Peter?
   A) Gefeliciteerd met Peter!
   B) Goedemorgen, tot ziens!
   C) Sorry dat ik er ben.
   Answer: A. At a Dutch birthday you congratulate the family too, for example 'Gefeliciteerd met je man' or 'met je zoon'.
2. Daan en Mark zijn twee mannen. Ze willen trouwen. Wat is waar in Nederland?
   A) Dat mag niet.
   B) Dat mag. Twee mannen of twee vrouwen mogen trouwen.
   C) Dat mag alleen in Amsterdam.
   Answer: B. Same-sex marriage has been legal across the Netherlands since 2001. LGBTQ+ people have equal rights.
3. Fatma woont net in een nieuw huis. Ze kent de buren nog niet. Wat is in Nederland normaal?
   A) Ze wacht tot de buren bij haar komen.
   B) Ze belt de woningcorporatie om de buren te leren kennen.
   C) Ze belt aan bij de buren en stelt zich voor.
   Answer: C. The new resident usually takes the first step and introduces themselves to the neighbours.